Today I am turning 47 years old and, for the first time, I’m not dreading the increase in number. You see, my entire life I’ve never related to my age. There’s been a big disconnect in my brain between my actual age and the age I feel. Most of that, I suppose, comes from comparing myself to others in the same age bracket. People I went to high school with were getting married and having children; I still didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Other people my age were buying houses; I was just learning that once I obtained the job, I had to KEEP the job. I’ve always felt “behind” somehow, that there was a piece I was missing as to how others were accomplishing all these things and I … I wasn’t anywhere close. I felt this pressure building with each birthday, that I needed to “figure out my shit” and “get it together” and be where all these other people seemed to be in their lives. My mom did an amazing job at mitigating the loneliness that disconnect from others can feel; often reminding me that there was nothing in the “rule book” that says you have to have it all figured out by a certain age. I didn’t realize just how much that meant to me until she passed and I was at a loss as to how to manage the building internal pressure from external messages of being “too much” while simultaneously being “not enough”; it was only a matter of time before the dam broke.

I would not wish the last three years I’ve experienced, on anyone else, but that’s another post for another time. The beauty that came from that awful place, is that it forced me to look inward. I had no choice but to commit to the hard work of therapy and, through that process, I found the piece I was missing to my puzzle. I found my Why. Why did things feel so much harder for me? Why was I so emotional? Why do I feel so far behind? Why do I feel so different?

And the answer is….. I’m autistic. With my ADHD in there, also, the correct term is AuDHD. Are you surprised? Because I was definitely surprised! There is a lot that I want to write about this (as I’ll be going through the testing for diagnosis here soon), but overall the take-away here is that it has been a long learning process of discovery. I’m still figuring out the specifics on how my brain functions, what support I need, etc., but to know that I have a solid direction as to why I have felt so different my entire life is almost surreal. My mom knew, as well as I did, that there were challenges that came with those differences. She championed for me when I was under criticism; adapted tasks and routines in ways that engaged me; created a safe space for us to be our weird selves; and I just know that her response to this news would be the same as mine: “Huh!”

It’s hard to put into words how meaningful it can be to receive an unofficial diagnosis. Even without having gone through the formal testing yet, I have learned a lot about my brain and started the therapeutic process of embracing my differences. I know I’m on the right path, because this birthday there is absolutely zero pressure. I’m just … good. There’s no panic, no feelings of failure, no low self-esteem about where I’m at right now…. just good. It’s the absence of all that negativity and weight, that has been the best birthday gift of all ❤

I hate how cliche this is going to sound, but I can’t think of another phrase to describe this upcoming birthday year other than ‘New Era’ (I almost said New Dawn. You’re welcome.) I’m finally figuring my shit out, how exciting! I am ready to embrace this next phase of my life and enjoy the rest my 40s have to offer. I’m proudly embracing this era of speech-to-text and full panty briefs; to this new era of bi-focal glasses and living authentically; and shifting from materiality to functionality.

Thanks for reading this far and stay tuned, I feel like I’m just getting warmed up.

❤ Steph